![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
My older sister happens to send me some pretty good jokes and now that I think of it, I'll be posting some here if they are worth it.
============
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a
gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's
the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance, is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because
'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the waiter tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on A beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a
puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
===========
Real Women vs Martha Stewart
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to year.
Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instantfix me up."
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust.
Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine??????
============
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a
gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's
the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance, is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because
'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the waiter tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on A beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a
puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
===========
Real Women vs Martha Stewart
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to year.
Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instantfix me up."
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust.
Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine??????
