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I'm writing this cause I want to. To some it may seem personal but to me, I feel better by jotting it down and getting it off my mind and chest. So in other words, if you don't want to read it, then don't. The majority is about my mom and some family things. I guess I could've waited to post this for Mother's Day but after the conversation I had with my sis, thought now would be a good time to write it.
I talked to my older sis yesterday and since its been about a month, she was filling me in on things that I missed. Aside from what she told me, here lately just for no reason, I've been thinking about mom and the things mom did for us, etc.
I'm not a lovey dovey person who will spew "I love you" blah,blah,blah to those dear to me (aside from hubby cause I'm just use to saying it to him). My family really wasn't raised around endearments and praises but we know in ourselves that we do love each other.
I love my mom. I couldn't have asked for a better mom than the woman who birthed me. Even our upbringing, though we struggled cause of being dairy farmers, we survived, had good parents who had a good head on their shoulders.
I really don't recall telling mom I loved her when I was a kid. The first time I told her I loved her (by hubby's badgering me to do so) was when I was flying back to Kuwait after the two weeks the Army gave me for dad's funeral service. When I went to board the plane, I hugged mom and told her I loved her. She could only nod cause I'm sure if she tried to say anything she would've been bawling her head off plus she already had tears in her eyes.
Mom is a very emotional person, hence why myself and my older sis inherited our emotions from her and that sucks ass!!!
So what my older sis told me on the phone kinda shocked me regarding mom right now.
My sis had a scare with a womanly problem so while she had her hubby take her to the emergency room, she had mom watch the boys since they were in bed. Mom stresses over little things too so she was all worried about what could've been wrong with sis (nothing really). When sis got home, mom tried to talk to her but with her emotions all in a jumble, mom just broke down and cried. This is when mom finally told my sis that she's been feeling like this here lately of just wanting to cry, etc. My sis put her foot down and demanded mom to make an appt with her doc and get herself checked out.
So mom did. Right now she's going through a small bout of depression (don't know why) and her doctor wanted her to go see a Grief Counselor which mom has made an appt and I think will go in sometime next week.
I told my sis that I'm surprised that mom actually agreed on seeing one considering that mom is also the kind that would go "bah! I don't need to see someone like that." I'm proud of mom for coming to grips of actually doing this for herself and not putting it off.
I think what also brought this on with her worrying so much is, I think she's afraid of something bad happening to one of us. Such as her being worried over sis going to the emergency room. Mom told me the last time I talked to her about how stubborn my middle sis is when it comes to taking her medication for her diabetes that she NEEDS to take. Sis didn't renew her prescription and one morning mom came home from work and saw sis's truck still in the driveway. First thing that came to her mind "what if she's dead?" cause thats how she found dad. She started to panic when she got into the house and started yelling my sis's name. When she did finally get a reply, the reason my sis was at home cause she was sick. And mom says to me "I swear it wouldn't surprise me if I don't find her dead cause she's not taking care of herself again."
They gave her meds for her depression which kinda freaked her out since she never took stuff like that before. She was feeling too jittery one time she took the pill but my sis and her doc told her too, to just cut the pill in half and see how it goes from there.
My sis thinks that maybe regarding the Grief Counselor, with everything that mom has gone through regarding family, perhaps she never really got to grieve or just come out with her feelings and let it all out. Reasons being::
#1. We kids never really understand nor see the closeness that parents might actually still feel for each other. Our parents were weird, dad always making advances on mom while she tries to brush him off and just dad being plain annoying. My parents were together for 29 yrs before he died. Thats a long time to spend with that person regardless if you really feel much love for one another or not (which I'm sure they did, we just didn't see it cause they had their own way of things). To this day, mom will tell me that she misses him. When she sees the recliner in the living room, she expects him to be sitting there watching tv or sleeping. Which I do too when I go home, always expect to see dad sitting there (which now a days, Steph sits in it, though she takes after dad to begin with). I think most of the times she misses him is on Sundays or the weekends. We use to go on Sunday drives when the weather was nice or go out to eat breakfast and then drive around or what have ya. And its been going on 7yrs since dad's been gone.
#2. My grandma (mom's mother). Grandma died in '00 in FL from cancer. Mom and my uncle flew down there to help out grandpa and to see Grandma's body before they cremated her. By the time they did view her body, it was already far gone only cause of the cancer and even though she wasn't dead for very long, I guess it would look pretty bad (sorry for being morbid). Mom was even more upset cause that wasn't what she wanted to see, it wasn't what she expected to see grandma looking like. We didn't know how mom grieved over grandma cause we weren't there while she was in FL. Mom and grandma were pretty close. In fact, the things that mom does regarding us kids or grandkids, I see alot of my grandma in her now.
#3. My aunt which would've been one of my mom's younger sister's. This was the one that was in that car wreck, with NO SEATBELT, and it left her as a vegetable. Carol did recover a little bit but was never the same. Mom would visit her nearly every month, sometimes taking my older sis and the boys cause my aunt enjoyed seeing the grandnephews. Keep in mind that mom was the ONLY sibling that took the time to go visit Carol all the time. The others, you had to kiss their ass or they'd give the excuse "I can't stand seeing her that way, thats not the Carol I'm used to seeing." Yeah, it felt weird to see Carol looking like that but even I went to visit her when we'd be home on vacation. They thought my aunt was doing okay but all of a sudden, she took a turn for the worse, I think she came down with pneumonia and it put her in a coma. It got to the point where she was no longer herself and they had to pull the plug. Mom and my grandpa were there for that when they did it. I think that was around '01 or '02. Again, we don't know how she might have grieved over that. If I recall correctly, before her accident, she and mom were starting to make amends.
I mean can you IMAGINE the images that this woman probably has dreamt of or no doubt conjures up in her head from time to time??
She found dad dead in the bathroom. Looking at her mother's cancer ridden dead body at the morgue. And having to pull the plug on your own sibling.
No wonder she's going through this problem!
The 2nd shift guy at work was telling me that he had to identify someone's body that he knew that got into a car accident. Said he dreamt about what he saw for 6 months straight.
Plus aside from those deaths, mom is the kind that lets things bother her. Such as, her so called siblings. We don't know why mom still bothers or to even try though mom says that she understands and says that she's given up on trying cause no one wants to make an effort. But she lets the littlest things they do bug her and that only adds on to the depression. The ppl that I'm supposed to call my uncle and aunt, I don't even think of them as family. These ppl have only thought about themselves for as long as I known them yet when they wanted something or money, then they couldn't be any nicer. With my aunts, it was vanity and who had money and what brand names they could buy while they looked down on us cause we were farmers who didn't make much or didn't have the expensive things they did. Hey, we made it didn't we???!! My parents were NEVER in debt! And us kids were NOT failures unlike my cousins and we aren't alcoholics. Mom is the only sibling who was never divorced.
Its funny when I think about it but the main reason why my aunts and uncle treated mom the way they did is they were truly jealous. Jealous??!!! Of us??!! One of them even admitted to her about being jealous a few yrs ago. No one told them that they had to live the way they did/do, they could've made it better for themselves yet no one did. So what better way to take our your problems then to hold a grudge against mom. Just thinking about them has me seething in anger. It'll be worse when I go home this yr though I normally don't see my aunt or uncle when I am there anyways but still. I sooooo want to chew everyone a new asshole!
For all the stuff that has gone on with them along with them taking advantage of my grandpa, like my sis said, grandma has to be rolling in her grave/ashes.
I told sis that mom needs to focus on the BRIGHTER and BETTER side of things to her life instead of having to worry about those assholes. Let them live the lives they want. My sis told her that "you have all the family you need. You have us girls, two son-in-laws, and the grandkids. Thats all you should need and worry about. Ppl who do things and cares about YOU!"
So I'm hoping that this counseling will help mom out and help her release everything that has been bothering her. I'm not sure if she'll tell us as to what all went on but I really hope she does. I'm kinda anxious to see what it is thats been making her feel this way. Mom will be 53 this yr and to me, thats still young in my eyes and I don't like seeing mom being upset cause really, its not a good feeling cause then it makes me want to cry in the process. Put her, me and my older sis together and I bet we'd be bawling mess (regardless if we're happy, sad, or pissed). *lol*
If you read all of that, I commend you.
And onto something silly:
For those interested, check out the Naruto plushies that Abel has posted Here. I'm quite partial to the Kiba one myself.
I talked to my older sis yesterday and since its been about a month, she was filling me in on things that I missed. Aside from what she told me, here lately just for no reason, I've been thinking about mom and the things mom did for us, etc.
I'm not a lovey dovey person who will spew "I love you" blah,blah,blah to those dear to me (aside from hubby cause I'm just use to saying it to him). My family really wasn't raised around endearments and praises but we know in ourselves that we do love each other.
I love my mom. I couldn't have asked for a better mom than the woman who birthed me. Even our upbringing, though we struggled cause of being dairy farmers, we survived, had good parents who had a good head on their shoulders.
I really don't recall telling mom I loved her when I was a kid. The first time I told her I loved her (by hubby's badgering me to do so) was when I was flying back to Kuwait after the two weeks the Army gave me for dad's funeral service. When I went to board the plane, I hugged mom and told her I loved her. She could only nod cause I'm sure if she tried to say anything she would've been bawling her head off plus she already had tears in her eyes.
Mom is a very emotional person, hence why myself and my older sis inherited our emotions from her and that sucks ass!!!
So what my older sis told me on the phone kinda shocked me regarding mom right now.
My sis had a scare with a womanly problem so while she had her hubby take her to the emergency room, she had mom watch the boys since they were in bed. Mom stresses over little things too so she was all worried about what could've been wrong with sis (nothing really). When sis got home, mom tried to talk to her but with her emotions all in a jumble, mom just broke down and cried. This is when mom finally told my sis that she's been feeling like this here lately of just wanting to cry, etc. My sis put her foot down and demanded mom to make an appt with her doc and get herself checked out.
So mom did. Right now she's going through a small bout of depression (don't know why) and her doctor wanted her to go see a Grief Counselor which mom has made an appt and I think will go in sometime next week.
I told my sis that I'm surprised that mom actually agreed on seeing one considering that mom is also the kind that would go "bah! I don't need to see someone like that." I'm proud of mom for coming to grips of actually doing this for herself and not putting it off.
I think what also brought this on with her worrying so much is, I think she's afraid of something bad happening to one of us. Such as her being worried over sis going to the emergency room. Mom told me the last time I talked to her about how stubborn my middle sis is when it comes to taking her medication for her diabetes that she NEEDS to take. Sis didn't renew her prescription and one morning mom came home from work and saw sis's truck still in the driveway. First thing that came to her mind "what if she's dead?" cause thats how she found dad. She started to panic when she got into the house and started yelling my sis's name. When she did finally get a reply, the reason my sis was at home cause she was sick. And mom says to me "I swear it wouldn't surprise me if I don't find her dead cause she's not taking care of herself again."
They gave her meds for her depression which kinda freaked her out since she never took stuff like that before. She was feeling too jittery one time she took the pill but my sis and her doc told her too, to just cut the pill in half and see how it goes from there.
My sis thinks that maybe regarding the Grief Counselor, with everything that mom has gone through regarding family, perhaps she never really got to grieve or just come out with her feelings and let it all out. Reasons being::
#1. We kids never really understand nor see the closeness that parents might actually still feel for each other. Our parents were weird, dad always making advances on mom while she tries to brush him off and just dad being plain annoying. My parents were together for 29 yrs before he died. Thats a long time to spend with that person regardless if you really feel much love for one another or not (which I'm sure they did, we just didn't see it cause they had their own way of things). To this day, mom will tell me that she misses him. When she sees the recliner in the living room, she expects him to be sitting there watching tv or sleeping. Which I do too when I go home, always expect to see dad sitting there (which now a days, Steph sits in it, though she takes after dad to begin with). I think most of the times she misses him is on Sundays or the weekends. We use to go on Sunday drives when the weather was nice or go out to eat breakfast and then drive around or what have ya. And its been going on 7yrs since dad's been gone.
#2. My grandma (mom's mother). Grandma died in '00 in FL from cancer. Mom and my uncle flew down there to help out grandpa and to see Grandma's body before they cremated her. By the time they did view her body, it was already far gone only cause of the cancer and even though she wasn't dead for very long, I guess it would look pretty bad (sorry for being morbid). Mom was even more upset cause that wasn't what she wanted to see, it wasn't what she expected to see grandma looking like. We didn't know how mom grieved over grandma cause we weren't there while she was in FL. Mom and grandma were pretty close. In fact, the things that mom does regarding us kids or grandkids, I see alot of my grandma in her now.
#3. My aunt which would've been one of my mom's younger sister's. This was the one that was in that car wreck, with NO SEATBELT, and it left her as a vegetable. Carol did recover a little bit but was never the same. Mom would visit her nearly every month, sometimes taking my older sis and the boys cause my aunt enjoyed seeing the grandnephews. Keep in mind that mom was the ONLY sibling that took the time to go visit Carol all the time. The others, you had to kiss their ass or they'd give the excuse "I can't stand seeing her that way, thats not the Carol I'm used to seeing." Yeah, it felt weird to see Carol looking like that but even I went to visit her when we'd be home on vacation. They thought my aunt was doing okay but all of a sudden, she took a turn for the worse, I think she came down with pneumonia and it put her in a coma. It got to the point where she was no longer herself and they had to pull the plug. Mom and my grandpa were there for that when they did it. I think that was around '01 or '02. Again, we don't know how she might have grieved over that. If I recall correctly, before her accident, she and mom were starting to make amends.
I mean can you IMAGINE the images that this woman probably has dreamt of or no doubt conjures up in her head from time to time??
She found dad dead in the bathroom. Looking at her mother's cancer ridden dead body at the morgue. And having to pull the plug on your own sibling.
No wonder she's going through this problem!
The 2nd shift guy at work was telling me that he had to identify someone's body that he knew that got into a car accident. Said he dreamt about what he saw for 6 months straight.
Plus aside from those deaths, mom is the kind that lets things bother her. Such as, her so called siblings. We don't know why mom still bothers or to even try though mom says that she understands and says that she's given up on trying cause no one wants to make an effort. But she lets the littlest things they do bug her and that only adds on to the depression. The ppl that I'm supposed to call my uncle and aunt, I don't even think of them as family. These ppl have only thought about themselves for as long as I known them yet when they wanted something or money, then they couldn't be any nicer. With my aunts, it was vanity and who had money and what brand names they could buy while they looked down on us cause we were farmers who didn't make much or didn't have the expensive things they did. Hey, we made it didn't we???!! My parents were NEVER in debt! And us kids were NOT failures unlike my cousins and we aren't alcoholics. Mom is the only sibling who was never divorced.
Its funny when I think about it but the main reason why my aunts and uncle treated mom the way they did is they were truly jealous. Jealous??!!! Of us??!! One of them even admitted to her about being jealous a few yrs ago. No one told them that they had to live the way they did/do, they could've made it better for themselves yet no one did. So what better way to take our your problems then to hold a grudge against mom. Just thinking about them has me seething in anger. It'll be worse when I go home this yr though I normally don't see my aunt or uncle when I am there anyways but still. I sooooo want to chew everyone a new asshole!
For all the stuff that has gone on with them along with them taking advantage of my grandpa, like my sis said, grandma has to be rolling in her grave/ashes.
I told sis that mom needs to focus on the BRIGHTER and BETTER side of things to her life instead of having to worry about those assholes. Let them live the lives they want. My sis told her that "you have all the family you need. You have us girls, two son-in-laws, and the grandkids. Thats all you should need and worry about. Ppl who do things and cares about YOU!"
So I'm hoping that this counseling will help mom out and help her release everything that has been bothering her. I'm not sure if she'll tell us as to what all went on but I really hope she does. I'm kinda anxious to see what it is thats been making her feel this way. Mom will be 53 this yr and to me, thats still young in my eyes and I don't like seeing mom being upset cause really, its not a good feeling cause then it makes me want to cry in the process. Put her, me and my older sis together and I bet we'd be bawling mess (regardless if we're happy, sad, or pissed). *lol*
If you read all of that, I commend you.
And onto something silly:
For those interested, check out the Naruto plushies that Abel has posted Here. I'm quite partial to the Kiba one myself.
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She told me when I was a baby, I had the Russian Flu (which now a days does not exist anymore). It was that bad that I had to be in the hospital till it cleared up. She said that it hurt her to see her child strapped down to the bed (legs and arms) with cloth diapers (I guess it was softer to use?) so I wouldn't move around and pull out the IV. She said that everytime while she visited, she would read me stories and such. Though I bet that everything that us kids went through, that she never thought she'd have to experience all of that *lol* (though I was the accident prone child in the family but then again, I took after her and my grandma).
I too hope that the help she is seeking will help get everything off her mind and make it alot easier on herself.
Well, can't be hormones for her, she don't have her womanly parts anymore. *lol* She had those taken out in the mid '90's and boy was that total mess till they were able to get help to pay for their medical expenses. I couldn't wait till mom had her surgery, I hated seeing her in agony every week.